Assertive Skills the First Step
Breaking the Family Roles and Setting Boundaries
When you start learning to break family roles and the codependency cycle, you will need to use assertive skills as your first step to overcome codependency.
To help yourself, be assertive in your recovery, by speaking in the first person language "I want, I see, I will, etc." This way your are owning your feelings. Feelings are neither bad nor good they are just an inner link to want you really want or need. Begin asking for small things at first. "I need an hour to be alone." Then use the hour for your own goals.
When you look at someone keep eye contact while you talk. Make sure your body affirms what you are asking for or saying. If you are saying, 'NO' do not stand and smile. Make sure they know you mean, 'no'.
If you set a boundary, such as, "I won't let you take my things without permission," make sure you carry it out. If someone tests your boundaries go get back what was taken and repeat what you said again. Repeat your new codependency free rules until people begin to listen and honor you as an individual.
When talking use the other person's name so you get their attention.
If they are in the middle of something be polite and wait.
If they are watching a something, wait until an advertisement. Then say, "I need to talk to you during this advertisement." Be sure you keep your end of deals. If you go somewhere, be home on time. Help in setting the example by calling if something happens to make you late so you show you are responsible.
When someone is adjusting to what you ask (removing codependency from a relationship), state your appreciation.
If they continue to trespass your basic rights (force your relationship to involve codependency symptoms or behaviors) help yourself, by restating the same boundary until you succeed.
The Difference Between Nonassertive (passive), Assertive, Aggressive (behavior).
Passive means never directly asking for what you want but expect others to do it (victim role).
Assertive means being secure in yourself, using I statements, open talk with eye contact and a relaxed attitude.
Aggressive means an exaggerated show of strength, superior over others, authoritarian, staring at, not talking to you, with clenched abrupt gestures.
Assertive behavior is the healthy lifestyle where you are most able to get what you want in way that others are not put down.
Assertive Skills in Relationships
Be patient with yourself, and do not get angry as you find help for codependency recovery and begin the process. Remember, for many people it is tough to welcome change and they may resist or lash out. "Who are you to talk like that?", and other techniques to get you to feel small and insignificant, may be used in an unconscious effort to help revert you back to the codependent relationship role.
Assertive means you are asking for what you need, or setting a limit (boundary) on what you will accept. Boundaries are not threats or aggression. When setting assertive codependency boundaries, do not make a physical boundary, "I will hit you if you do that again." This is enhancing the issue. Stating "I will go for a walk if you continue to treat me this way" is setting a boundary. Be sure you do it and think over you next response.
If you are ever hit, have things thrown at you or your things broken or thrown away when someone is angry at you, seek help and call the police. These events are a crime called assault, which is a form of domestic violence. It may take you a while to be strong enough in your recovery from codependency to do this but you must get help.
Many states will require that one who is arrested for the domestic violence get an anger assessment (similar to an addiction assessment). There may be classes they must attend to teach them accountability for their actions, and how to communicate without violence. Yelling and disrupting the public is an arrest able crime.
Many people that call the police back down and say "I'm sure they won't do it again", or start to minimize, saying, "They didn't mean it." This only escalates the violent ones behavior and the next episode could be worse. Instead of being assertive, this promotes the violence, and stalles the codependency recovery process. Help yourself by being honest and true.
