Find Your Anger Pattern
Make a monitoring chart to get to see your patterns.
- The incident was:
- My body showed these signs:
- My behavior was:
When you see an incident coming up that makes you angry have a plan to overcome it.
Set firm boundaries… If nobody is to use your computer then let them know it. If they continue, make a consequence or get it locked so they can’t.
Use the I statements to talk to people. Rather than “You make me mad.”, saying, “I feel mad when you do this.”, gives you the responsibility for your feeling and power rather than someone else having the power to control your feelings. This is a key to overcoming codependency.
Make priorities in your life and choose the people you allow in carefully. Don’t stay in relationships out of obligation due to pressure of being unliked. It is not good for either person to live with anger all the time.
If you are in a marriage where you fight decide to get counseling, take communication classes, or possibly remove yourself. Sometimes couples benefit from temporary separation while each receive personal counseling.
The Difference Between Aggressive & Assertive Behaviors
Learn to be assertive rather than aggressive… “If you don’t turn the TV off I’ll throw it out the window.” , is not only aggressive, but is also a threat. Assertive is saying, “The TV has been on long enough today, turn it off at the end of this show please.”
If you are going to make a threat, be sure it is reasonable and then do it. “If you don’t take the garbage out regularly, I won’t give you your allowance.” Then let it go. If they don’t conform, just take away privileges until you get the behavior you want.
Codependency & Anger Recovery May Involve Changes
Make sure your requests are fair and age appropriate for the person involved. At work there is often a chain of command and you may need to choose your battles carefully. Many angry people stay places where they are frustrated out of fear. If you hate your job every day, not only does it effect you, but it also effects those around you. Start sending out resumes to other companies or find something in a different field.
Anger is often caused by not having rewarding experiences in life. It is up to you to leave non-rewarding places (and sometimes people) behind to find what brings you joy. You will find your anger decrease as you add more joy to life.
Making time to listen to music or being involved in a hobby is important. Joining a gym you like it is often helpful. Exerting physical energy helps burn off anger that is pent up or “stuffed”.
Adequate sleep and eating is helpful. Treating yourself or drinking a mocha during rush hour traffic can lessen the drive. Carrying music on self help about anger when you drive is another way of changing patterns.
Many families copy their family of origin behavior patterns. This can be a problem when two people are living together, because they are really the sum of their family experiences. To help overcome this start your own traditions as a separate family for some or all of your celebrations.
If you were abused in any way as a child there is a tendency to repeat the abuse with your children or shut down emotionally completely so you won’t bring it with you. Neither way is acceptable. Reading books on Healing the Inner Child is mind opening. (If you don’t like to read can get many books in other ways.) Angry Men and the Woman Who Love Them, is excellent. (The true story of an abused child turned abusive adult almost to the point of long term prison before getting help.)