Don’t Stuff, Deny or Ignore Your Anger
Anger needs to be dealt with not ignored, acted out or taken out on others. An outline for dealing with anger is incorporated in many cycle papers. The following is an idea of how some addiction treatment facilities implement overcoming anger in the stages of grief and loss. This applies to codependency and other recovery.
Make a personal log, putting categories in a side box. Then when you get angry, rate how you handle it.
(Grade yourself from one to ten with ten meaning the most intense.)
The categories to include in the log are:
Physical Signs
What does your body do, increase heart rate, clench fists, get red etc.
Behavior Signs
Yell, throw things, slam doors, hit people, go against another’s will when they clearly said no.
Situation
Name the situation where the anger came up and people or events involved.
(A bill came and you don’t have the money, someone refuses to have sex, somebody else gets a promotion when you are superior to their work or seniority.)
Each time you get angry
Record what you did before, during, after, and then rate yourself.
Did You…
- Stuff the feelings?
- Escalate them?
- Direct them with words to say how you feel and address the wrong you feel was done?
When You Get Angry – Ideas for Diminishing Before it gets Out Of Control
Ideas on how to diminish anger, whether directed at another, physical, vocal, inappropriately displayed, or property damaging.
Take a break when the anger starts.
(Look at your physical signs.)
“I” Statements
Learn to use the first person language in a normal tone of voice. “I felt it was unfair when you did not…”. Call people, or businesses and make arrangements. Example, “I am unable to do [whatever] right now. Can I delay it until [date]?”
Physical activities such as chopping wood, going to a gym, or taking a walk so your body releases the anger and you do not use your energy on a person or things, is often helpful. When you can’t control yourself, you are affirming you are out of control and not worthy of responsibility.
If a conversation gets upsetting, saying, “I will talk about this later after I think it over alone.”, can be a good diminishing technique.
If you are unable to calm yourself down get counseling or enroll in a Domestic Violence Class and seek help for grief and loss. Even loud yelling at another is an assault, stopping yourself before is the best approach. (Counseling for recovery from codependency is also recommended.)
*Keeping these ideas, or your own in your log, or somewhere visible, to remember and reinforce them may be helpful.
